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I brake for tweeters

 

Rain fell in buckets, visibility was zero, traffic slowed to a crawl.  Worse, the safety of my journey home was compromised by the erratic driving of the person behind me.  The car alternately accelerated and braked, changed lanes and swerved from one curbside to the other as if the driver were having a seizure.

 

My tension level rose. I eased into the right lane to let the car pass. When the vehicle pulled alongside mine, I could see the silhouette of the driver engaged in the all-too-familiar pastime of rush-hour texting.

 

Some drivers break for tweets.  I brake for tweeters.

 

There's turbulence in them thar skies

 

What lessons did 9/11 teach our nation’s leaders?  Based on Karl Rove’s recent observation, not very much:  “They woke up Obama immediately when he won the Nobel Prize, but they waited 3 hours to tell him about the terrorist on Flight 253."

Fly Obama Airways – dedicated to making the skies safe for turbulence.

 

Call directory assistance for a clue

While stopped at a traffic light, I noticed drivers all around me were on full-automatic cell phone jabber.  Then it hit me:  We no longer drive vehicles.  We operate motorized telephone booths that happen to be on roadways while we're talking!

 

I grabbed my cell and called my wife to share this stunning insight, noting that I was the exception to this deranged behavior.  She was impressed by my astuteness but not my cluelessness, noting that my call connected me to my fellow jabberers.

 

Driving = Disengage brain x (shift + texting)

Years ago “Mad Magazine”, the social satire comic book, made a startling prediction.  In the future, autos would be self-driven because human limbs will have atrophied into useless appendages.

 

The future is here.  Streets and highways are littered with vehicles ricocheting like ping-pong balls, while human drivers type mindless "text-speak" on cell phones.

 

“Mad” was accurate with its prediction, missing the mark by just a hair.  It isn't humans' arms and legs that atrophied – it’s their brains.

 

Help Wanted!

Help Wanted!  Electrical line inspectors.  No experience needed.  Will train.  Must be willing to travel to high altitudes and endure cold climates.  Employer will provide extra blankets and MRE's.  Applicants must provide own transportation.  Salary negotiable.  Call 1-800-888-4242 for more info.

Fly PEOPLExpress and leave the prodding to us

"The Bucket List" is a movie about must-do's before life's end.  The premise is mildly engaging, but here's an idea that won't fill my bucket:  running with the bulls.  Flashback - 1983:

 

6:00 a.m.  Newark airport.  Groggy travelers anxiously await the cheap-o Peoples' Express early-bird to Columbus, Ohio.  No check-in, no boarding passes.  A security gate separates the terminal from a very long corridor leading to the jetway.

 

A loud buzzer interrupts the chatter.  The gate opens and frenzied travelers spill into the corridor, shoving, stumbling and running frantically to claim a seat.  It's a scene that emulates the insanity in the streets of Pamplona - all that's missing are the bulls and the sangria.

 

Remarkably the flight departed on time.  It arrived safely and, more remarkably, in Columbus.  But no surprise that Peoplexpress folded in 1987.  During its 6-year run, it earned the well-deserved nickname "Peoples' Distress."

 

Low-cost carriers come and go.  They all have gimmicks to attract a market.  Latest is Irish-run RyanAir who plans to use on-board toilets as profit-centers.  No thanks.  That's how they herd cattle.  I've been in that stampede before.