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B.S., the secret to category-5 ratings

 

Memorial Day is history.  Summer’s here, along with two of our most popular seasonal pastimes:  Watching hurricanes and whining about sky-rocketing gas prices.

Fun stuff first.  For sheer lunacy, nothing beats surrealistic images of 150-mph hurricane winds wreaking chaos in the streets of Biloxi or Miami.  Rain-soaked news reporters imitate crash-test dummies dangling in a wind-tunnel, as they dodge Bar-B-Q pits and traffic lights flying overhead.  100 ways to die?  Gets my attention. 

Now the heavy junk.  For raising consumer awareness, what’s better than self-righteous sanctimony at the top of the news hour?  No sooner do vacationers hit the roads, when caravans of media clowns follow, bleating and sputtering in a grand show of outrage about the pain of high pump prices.  Now how gassy is that?

Not to be overlooked, note how the media milks both events for one goal:  to boost ratings.  Oil companies could learn valuable ratings lessons from the television broadcast media.  Take a look at what they have in common:

Television and the oil industry both deliver a product that's consumed by nearly every U.S. citizen, race, creed or sex notwithstanding.  Whatever Lola wants, Lola gets.

Second, both industries use tall, sturdy towers for the extraction and transmission of their products.  One probes the pore spaces of the earth’s crust, while the other penetrates the air space of the earth’s atmosphere.

The most significant similarity is the greatest difference.  The oil industry produces basal sediment (B.S.) and water with its hydrocarbons.  B.S. is a nuisance by-product and state laws required it be disposed.  It’s tolerated as an expense until the disposal costs can no longer be sustained by a well’s declining revenues.  As a rule, B.S. is inversely proportional to an oil producer’s profitability.

Television produces B.S. with its programming, too.  Unlike the oil industry, however, TV isn’t required to treat its B.S. except in extreme cases.  “PG” disclaimers work wonders.  In television, B.S. has a different effect, in that the thicker it gets, the greater the ratings and the more revenues extracted from advertisers.  Now the rule reverses itself – B.S. is directly proportional to a broadcaster’s profitability.

The conclusion?  What’s loss to the producer is sauce to the anchor.  And that’s the way it is.  Have a great summer!

Beware the media-entertainment complex

 

At the end of World War II, General Eisenhower warned, “Beware the military-industrial complex.”

This came to mind recently while surfing for news.  My search hit a snag when I tripped over MSNBC's harpy, Rachel MadCow, spewing sanctimonious diatribes to her audience of 17 about the evils of those who don’t share her awesome views of herself.

 

The target of her sputum was the oil industry in general, BP in particular.  Never mind we already know BP has screwed up.  MadCow made a grand show of reminding everyone how much she loathed anything oily. 

 

Well, gee, Mizz MadCow, if oil is so repugnant, try this – don’t drive.  No cars, cabs, trains, boats or planes. Just get off your smug ass and walk. Everywhere.  Or pedal, if you can balance without training wheels.

 

And while you’re at it, lady, no heating oil, bottled gas, plastic products, synthetic textiles, clothing, shoes, CD’s, DVD’s, cosmetics, lipstick, perfume, trash-bags, medicine, sports  and safety equipment, nautical supplies, toys and appliances.  Oh, and silicone gel implants to amplify wimpy boobage.

 

You see, all these products are manufactured from petroleum, but MadCow doesn’t care.  She believes we must live in the Paleozoic era with other cave-dwellers, like filmmaker Michael Moore, for example.

 

Moore, like MadCow, is blind to a small detail about oil's role in America’s history, notably WWII:  One of the reasons the Allies whupped the Nazis is that the U.S. oil industry helped grease the skids to make it happen.

 

Michael Moore is a 5-star media clown who has no idea what his fate might’ve been had the Nazis won the war.  Rachel MadCow is no less a clown, but you’d think she would've appreciated anything that spared her the fate of six million Jews who weren't so lucky.

 

What Eisenhower really meant was "Beware the media-entertainment complex."  Clowns all of 'em – we'll die laughing.

 

Alternatives, boycotts, gaping chasms and tripe

 

How did two blue-collar beer vendors from Brooklyn find themselves in the middle of an immigration imbroglio in Arizona?

 

Back to 1990.  John Ferolito and Don Vultagio wanted to expand their horizons.  They followed the "Snapple” business model and created a beverage company that would eventually grab a 33% share of a billion dollar market.

 

Forward to 2010.  Although their beverages offer consumers thirst-satisfying alternatives, an ill-informed public, egged on by cynical political strategists, want to satisfy a different kind of thirst – for revenge.  The two Brooklyn buddies may be fighting to save their company.

 

John and Don are caught in the cross-hairs of a madcap boycott to punish businesses, sports franchises, maybe even Indian reservations on the rim of the Grand Canyon.  Why?  Because the State of Arizona wants to stem the tide of illegals and actually has the stones to pass laws to do it!

 

Foolishness fuels itself.  Along comes Ed Reyes and the L.A. City Council who fuel the flames further yesterday by voting 13 to 1 to boycott Arizona for taking the initiative to protect its borders from intruders.

 

Ironies abound.  California has immigration laws similar to Arizona’s but Reyes couldn’t be bothered with this detail.  Mainly because he didn’t know it.  Another irony is John and Don’s company, “AriZona Tea,” is feeling the pinch even though they’re based in New York.  Of course, rampaging boycotters couldn’t be bothered with that detail either – anything perceived as Arizonian was fair game.

 

One of America’s awe-inspiring natural wonders, the Grand Canyon, lies on U.S. Government lands.  Vacationers from all around the world converge to gape at its chasm of desert beauty, and tourism revenues flow into the U.S. Treasury to help fund a largesse of give-aways, not the least of which are MRE's and tushy-wipes for illegals.

 

A boycott of Grand Canyon could pinch those funds, too.  That what y’want, Ed?

 

One thing more awesome than the gaping chasm of the Grand Canyon is the gaping chasm between Ed Reyes' ears.  Now that's a tourist attraction I'd love to see, but I'd hafta boycott it.  After all, Ed, turnabout’s fair play, so stew in that tripe, ya putz!

 

John and Don – this boycott’s for you.

 

March Healthcare Madness

 

Welcome to triple-overtime, sudden-death healthcare madness.  The back-court’s a logjam of frenzied lobbyists and vacillating lawmakers.  The ball’s in play and leading the action is O-Boy, the Phi-Slamma-Log-Unjamma himself.

 

Q:  Will O-Boy’s wrecking crew pull it off?  Or will Republican wing-tips hold the line?

 

A:  Tough call.

 

Media cheerleaders are in a tizzy!  NPR is playing 24/7 sound clips of O-Boy spitting rhetoric like a televangelist on crack.  And MSNBC, the “Axis Sally” of cable news, hints the Jabbermeister-in-chief will unleash a secret weapon.

 

To paraphrase Willy Shakespeare, “He doth jabber too much!”  The more he jabbers, the less he says.  It also says O-Boy’s not a “closer,” he doesn’t know how to nail it down.  That’s why he keeps jabbering.

 

Where’s the smart money?

 

Depends on O-Boy.  If he wants to win, he needs a closer.  If he wants to lose, he needs a different kind of closer…someone like Nancy Pelosi.  Drop the “c” from “closer” and you've got a “loser”.  Her lips sink ships.

 

Bring it, Nance-ster!  You’re just what the doctor ordered!

 

Throw another Gore on the fire, ma!

 

As long as we’re hostage to the capricious nature of weather, we might as well stay warm with as many Al Gore jokes as possible.  Nothing beats a crackling, toasty Gore-roast to thaw out frost-bitten extremities.  Throw another Gore on the fire, ma!

 

Not sayin’ this cold spell will last forever.  Am sayin’ that all Al’s hot air about hot air would go a long way in heating a lot of homes.  And that's renewable energy, too!  Where is Al when y'really need him?  Anybody seen him lately?

 

Life imitates art...again

 

A week ago this site smugly opined that the Mainstream Media can’t compete with TMZ.

 

Oh yeah?  Don’t bet on it.  And here's why.

 

Since last week, the internet has been deluged with pix of CBS’s multi-million dollar microphone malfunction, Katie Couric, in what appears to be an audition for the lead role in a new reality show, “Snoop Dog’s House of Ho’s.”  Proves CBS at least isn't down for the count just yet.

 

But it wasn’t really clear what Couric was doing.  One blogger observed she was “…demonstrating her latest line dance called the (ex)Anchor Squat.”  I’m not that astute – I thought she was dumping a truck-load of overripe mangoes into a burn-pit.

 

Then it hit me!  Couric’s performance was life imitating art.  Several years ago, South Park did a spoof of Martha Stewart gobbling a turkey up her servants’ entry.  Here’s the link to the video.  The climax begins at the 0:53 mark.  Take a look and decide if Couric’s version is as good as Martha’s:

 

 

Memo to CBS:  renew Couric’s contract.  She’s your key to ratings.  That rump roast is pure platinum!

 

Gimme my TMZ – and no amateurs allowed

 

In the battle to grab audiences and “maintain relevancy”, the news and print media are competing with entertainment gurus like TMZ.

 

TMZ is Hollywood-speak for the "Thirty Mile Zone”, an area radiating 30 miles in any direction from the intersection of West Beverly Boulevard and North La Cienega Boulevard in LA.  TMZ is ground zero for all things entertaining.

 

TMZ understands our culture, and since its launch in 2005, TMZ has been snorting up market share like a convoy of runaway Shop-Vacs.  This blurb says it best:

 

"The TMZ brand has translated perfectly to television and transformed the entertainment magazine genre, providing the audience with a fresh, humorous, unvarnished look at celebrities and how they live their lives."

 

Mainstream media can’t touch that, and they're wearing clown pants trying to keep up.  Audiences know what they want, and when it’s time for salacious scandals and spicy rumors, they turn to the pros like TMZ.  I sure do.  My gossip time is valuable and I don’t waste it on amateurs.

 

Distress flare to the fashion police

 

During her broadside against Fox News, Anita Dunn (Obama’s Communications Commissar), drew attack from conservatives for dredging up a Mao Tse Tung quote.  Urrff!  Of all the dumb things to knot one's shorts.

 

Her penchant for Mao-isms is far less bothersome than her fashion choices.  In an AP photo Ms. Dunn is seen strolling down Pennsylvania Avenue dressed in what looks like Shaquille O’Neal’s pajama tops, and a wigwam large enough to host an Apache war council.

 

Shallow observation?  Sure.  But when Dunn makes a public appearance in a basement bin frock, what kind of message is she sending?  Take her seriously?  She should know better.  After all, she's in the communication business.

 

Fire in the Fox-hole!

 

Sean Hannity ends his program with a “football toss."  It's an annoying emblem of predictability.  He's a one-trick quarterback with a limited field of vision.

 

“Sean takes the hike…drops back…picks his receiver…he throws…INTERCEPTION!”

 

Hannity follows a worn script.  His shtick announces a strategy the way heavyweight Ken Norton telegraphed his punches, the way poker rubes betray their bluff.  If Hannity was a platoon commander, he'd be directing fire on his own troops.

 

The O-Team has declared war against Hannity's boss, Fox News.  When a unit can read its opponent’s plays, it’s time to change out the one calling the patterns.  Otherwise...INCOMING!  FIRE IN THE FOX-HOLE! 

 

  

Inmates in charge of the asylum

 

ABC, CBS & NBC are America's former news icons.

 

In 1968 a tremor rocked the broadcast news landscape.  Rowan & Martin’s “Laugh-in Looks at the News” produced a spoof.  People laughed, then returned to the alphabet anchors for "real news."

 

A second quake hit.  In 1975 "Saturday Night Live” introduced Dan Ackroyd and Dennis Miller to stomp on news.  People laughed again, and this time the networks quivered.

 

The waves of lunacy strengthened.  Cable TV flooded the U.S. with nonstop looney-toons from the deranged likes of MTV, Bill Maher and Steven Colbert.  "60 Minutes" flopped in ratings behind "Punk'd."  

 

Now the trusted alphabet anchors are rusted pipelines of drivel.  Entertainment is news, madness is king and Jon Stewart's "Daily Show" is the most influential venue of psychosis.  The inmates have taken over the asylum.