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Going ballistic with statistics

 
 

Western-style gunfighting has carved itself a solid niche.

 

The shoot-out epidemic began in 1854 and rampaged for the next 70 years.  Texas, the quintessential pioneer, blazed the trail with the first recorded kill.  California, looking for a fresh lifestyle, exploited the trend with 5 kills in 1856.  1878 was the most violent year, with 36 gunfights in New Mexico, Texas and Kansas.  By 1924 gunslinging was a sport of the past.

 

In terms of numbers, Texas, always the pacesetter, led the pack with 160 shoots.  California, having realized "laid-back" is preferable to lying face down, trailed with 20.  Utah had a handful, and Bolivia, location of Butch Cassidy’s cinematic face-off with South America’s entire militia, had the least.  

 

The most famous dust-up was O.K. Corral in Tombstone, Arizona, where the Earp brothers and Doc Holliday took on the Clantons and McLaurys.  The back-story for this shoot-em-up is loaded with lore, myth and factoids, such as how long did it last?  Two and half minutes, apparently.  See video at 2:32 mark when Will Patton pastes a 44-calibre slug in the middle of McLaury’s noggin.

 

Slingers prime inquiring minds.  What quick draw had the quickest draw?  When is the ideal time for a gunfight?  What was the top gun model?  Tarnation!  We’re going ballistic with statistics!

 

Thorough research leaves no stones unturned

 

A research tech analyzing marijuana effects on cancer patients made an odd discovery.  She noticed that sea gulls and terns exposed to pot fumes began excreting glucedryl, a protective coating for birds.  The tech collected samples and after testing, found the substance contained anesthetic properties ideal for pain management.

 

She was excited about her finding and applied for a research grant. It was denied, with an addendum:  If she collected samples from 5,000 sea birds, and results were 70% positive, her request would be re-opened.

 

Guided by the passion of an idea, she raised money to fund her research.  For the next two years, she collected samples from 4,972 birds while recording a startling 93% positive result.  Not surprisingly, she ran out of money.  Although she was 28 birds shy of her goal, she believed the strength of her results would be sufficient for a waiver.  She re-applied for the funding.

 

Not surprisingly, the bureaucracy held to their original guidelines and denied her second request.  In their denial letter they wrote:

 

“…we must consider the sensitive nature of medical marijuana and the peculiar study of sea birds, which could be regarded as a flippant abuse of the funding.  The success ratio of your samples is impressive but we must adhere to the original criteria of 5,000 birds, otherwise your study could be flawed.  For funding, it is imperative to collect samples from all the birds.  In short, you must not leave any tern unstoned."

 

The "Silver Screen" - the glitter is gone

 

Movie theatres were once fun, inexpensive and even romantic.  Sadly, no longer, and here's why:

 

Economics.  High ticket prices and time.  Even if the flick is free, we risk wasting time on a commodity of marginal value.  Time is money.  Don’t risk either.

 

Health.  Films, snacks, coughs and sneezes go hand-in-hand.  There’s no value in overpriced concessions, junk food, unguarded coughs and emissions from uncouth strangers. 

 

Social interaction.  We go to movies to submerge ourselves in plot and dialogue, not screaming babies, cell yakkers, clicking texters or ADHD-types jiggling ice-filled slurpy cups.

 

It'll take a team of horses to drag us back to the silver screen. The glitter is gone.

 

Movie dialogue – quote at your own risk

Listen up, conversational novices!  Movies are a superb source of useful dialogue – a mother lode of quotable lines, perfect for everyday exchanges. 

 

Why struggle with attention-getting phrases when you can sling hundreds of memorable zingers:  “Show me the money!” “Feelin’ lucky?” “I think we need a bigger boat.”  “You can’t handle the truth!”  “Another day, another dollar.”

 

Although your banter will be entertaining, it'll lack context and continuity.  If that doesn’t bother you, you’re on the way to gaining your audience.  So collect your quotes, and use at your own risk.