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René Magritte’s impressive criminal resumé

 

René Magritte's paintings are best described as "Surrealistic, with an ouvre of clever whimsy."  Yet little is known of his early years when he experimented with other styles and materials.

 

At one time, he was fascinated with fabrics and textiles.  He explored their lush and colorful textures, so it was natural that Magritte would combine weaving with painting.

 

One afternoon while Magritte was weaving a landscape, he heard a horse-and-buggy collide with a bicyclist.  The injured cyclist screamed with anguish – it was a horrific mess!

 

Magritte rushed to the site where he began to weave a picture of the gruesome turmoil.  He finished and quietly packed up his materials and left.  However, an alert policeman observed Magritte's movements and blocked his departure.  Magritte, handcuffed and embarrassed, was hustled off to the precinct where he was booked and charged – and thus earned the distinction as the only artist ever arrested for weaving the scene of an accident.

 

Quiz time today!

 

Fun with words today.

 

First, a little PG-13 rated stuff – answers in search of questions:

 

"Negli-jay”  What do you call an irresponsible blue-bird in a nightgown?

"Negli-gent”  What do you call a careless man of good social position?

"Negli-genital”  What do you call a person with reckless sexual organs?

"Genitorial services”  What?  You can't guess?

 

And next, some agrarian silliness – questions with answers:

 

What are prescription drugs for Old MacDonald?  "Farmerceuticals"

What do you call Old MacDonald's fingernails?  "Farmercuticles"

What's a publication of all the drugs Old MacDonald takes?  "Farmercopeia"

What's an endless supply of Old MacDonald jokes?  "Farmercopia"

 

Rest easy, readers.  The supply of material for today's post is limited.

 

Majority rules for chocolate tortes

 

A synagogue hosted a culinary fund-raiser.  The dessert competition was judged by Molly Fishbein, Esther Rosen and Dora Katz.

 

Hundreds of pastries and liquid concoctions lined the social hall.  Two entries were sensational.  One was a three-layer chocolate torte soaked in cherry liqueur and topped with pistachio shavings and mint cream rosettes.  The other was a light aromatic herbal beverage distilled from the wax-drippings of a nine-stem Hannukah candelabra.

 

The gooey decadence of the torte engaged Molly and Esther's palates while Dora was enchanted by the delicate bouquet of the steaming beverage. 

 

The women deliberated then put it to a vote.  The torte took first prize because it received Molly and Esther's two votes thereby forming the majority.  Dora's choice came in second since her vote was, unfortunately, the "Menorah tea."

 

Industrializing the growth of death

 

Stock analysts who specialize in the mortuary business noted an up-tick in demand for “Funeral Science Technicians”.  This bumper-crop of new morticians and embalmers confirmed what others have suspected:  Disease and sickness are still hot-tickets, but death is the growth industry leader.

 

And there it is – the "Gloom-and-Doom Boom” – oh, the irony!

 

Thorough research leaves no stones unturned

 

A research tech analyzing marijuana effects on cancer patients made an odd discovery.  She noticed that sea gulls and terns exposed to pot fumes began excreting glucedryl, a protective coating for birds.  The tech collected samples and after testing, found the substance contained anesthetic properties ideal for pain management.

 

She was excited about her finding and applied for a research grant. It was denied, with an addendum:  If she collected samples from 5,000 sea birds, and results were 70% positive, her request would be re-opened.

 

Guided by the passion of an idea, she raised money to fund her research.  For the next two years, she collected samples from 4,972 birds while recording a startling 93% positive result.  Not surprisingly, she ran out of money.  Although she was 28 birds shy of her goal, she believed the strength of her results would be sufficient for a waiver.  She re-applied for the funding.

 

Not surprisingly, the bureaucracy held to their original guidelines and denied her second request.  In their denial letter they wrote:

 

“…we must consider the sensitive nature of medical marijuana and the peculiar study of sea birds, which could be regarded as a flippant abuse of the funding.  The success ratio of your samples is impressive but we must adhere to the original criteria of 5,000 birds, otherwise your study could be flawed.  For funding, it is imperative to collect samples from all the birds.  In short, you must not leave any tern unstoned."

 

Searching for weapons in dark places

 

Nuclear weapons are crossing America's southern borders.  The devices are compact, no larger than a C-size battery, and smuggled in by elderly migrant women.

 

With thousands of women entering the U.S. daily, locating the devices has been daunting.  To complicate matters, the weapons have limited range of damage and are a ruse for just one which has the capacity for apocalyptic destruction.

 

Against this frightening backdrop, Homeland Security honcho Janet Napolitano dispatched agents to all U.S. entry points to beef up border inspection.  The search began.

 

And continued.  For weeks.  Months.  The deadly weapon eluded detection and the process was messy.  Elderly women subjected to embarrassing searches shrieked and howled in indignation.  Morale among border agents dropped.

 

To keep the mission on-task, Napolitano issued stern rhetoric:  “People, your job is vital!  The safety of every American depends on your diligence!  You will keep looking!  You will work night and day!  You will find this weapon and you will not stop until you’ve searched every nuke in granny!”

 

 

Leftovers and other terrible things to waste

 

Kwatzapretzel, “KP” for short, was a nutritionist in the ancient tribes of Central America.  He had a theory that cannibalism would preserve the purity of his race, and he encouraged his fellow tribesmen to eat the flesh of their own kind.

 

At first the villagers loved the concept, and eagerly devoured friends from head-to-toe.  After awhile their enthusiasm waned and soon their plates were filled with left-overs.  When KP discovered this he discontinued the practice, because, as he would learn, a Mayan is a terrible thing to waste.

 

Too many ironies in the fire

 

Fu Kim owned a successful laundry and dry-cleaning shop.  His customers were happy and business was booming.  But all was not well for Fu Kim.  His workers resented his good fortune, and one day they walked off the job to picket for higher wages.

 

With no workers to operate the equipment, Fu worried he would lose customers and his livelihood would be in jeopardy.  This was intolerable to Fu, so he decided to run the business by himself until his labor issues were resolved.

 

At great personal expense, he toiled day and night to keep things running.  Late one evening he was visited by his wife, whom he had not seen for many weeks.  She asked him, "Fu, why do you work so hard?"

 

“Because, my loyal spouse, without the workers our business will surely fail,” he responded, “therefore I must iron while the strike is hot.”

 

All the news that fits

 

Years ago, aspiring musicians Otis Redding, Wilson Pickett and Marvin Gaye attended an R&B workshop.  While there, when they weren’t practicing their craft, they read newspapers.  Problem was, with so many publications available, they had difficulty choosing the best one to read.

 

One evening, after they sifted through a stack of newspapers, they narrowed their choice to three.  The finalists were:  Washington Post, San Francisco Herald-Examiner, and the New York Times.

 

Wilson Pickett reached into the pile, grabbed the paper from New York and triumphantly waved it in the air.  Marvin Gaye and Otis Redding looked perplexed and asked him, “Why that one, Wilson?”

 

"Because," Pickett replied, "these are the Times that Soul Men try."

 

Hitting the head right on the nail

 

A man checks himself into a hospital, complaining of headaches.  After a thorough exam, the docs discover the reason for his suffering:  six 2” nails imbedded in his skull.

 

Seems he was a heavy crack user, who after a prolonged binge slipped into a deep suicidal psychosis and decided to end his life by squeezing off six rounds from an automatic nail-gun, straight into his cranium.

 

If you’re looking for mankind’s finest offering of dazzling stupidity, this idiot hits the nail right on…the head.

 

Bada-bam!