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Swiss army knives don’t write term papers – yet

 

It’s May, month of commencement ceremonies, mortarboards and diplomas.  Your over-achieving prodigy graduated summa cum laude and you’re looking for the appropriate gift.  

 

Wenger, the Swiss manufacturer of precision tools, has the answer:  the Mega-Blade, Model 16999.  This Swiss army knife on steroids weighs 2 ½ pounds, measures 9" long, and has a phenomenal repertoire of 87 implements to handle over 150 functions.  Here's a sample inventory:  

 

Multi-bit Phillips screwdriver

Fingernail file

Surgeon's scalpel

Tire pressure gauge

Laser pointer with 300-foot range

Slim-jim car door opener

Blood pressure monitor

Corkscrew

Cigar clipper

Dental plaque remover

 

Packaged in a handsome, black leather carrying case, it retails at $1400.  There is no job the Mega-Blade can't do – except write resumes for your job-seeking grad whose mission is to learn to design the next level of Mega-Blades able to write term papers for the following generation of students that never learned to write. 

 

Alternatives, boycotts, gaping chasms and tripe

 

How did two blue-collar beer vendors from Brooklyn find themselves in the middle of an immigration imbroglio in Arizona?

 

Back to 1990.  John Ferolito and Don Vultagio wanted to expand their horizons.  They followed the "Snapple” business model and created a beverage company that would eventually grab a 33% share of a billion dollar market.

 

Forward to 2010.  Although their beverages offer consumers thirst-satisfying alternatives, an ill-informed public, egged on by cynical political strategists, want to satisfy a different kind of thirst – for revenge.  The two Brooklyn buddies may be fighting to save their company.

 

John and Don are caught in the cross-hairs of a madcap boycott to punish businesses, sports franchises, maybe even Indian reservations on the rim of the Grand Canyon.  Why?  Because the State of Arizona wants to stem the tide of illegals and actually has the stones to pass laws to do it!

 

Foolishness fuels itself.  Along comes Ed Reyes and the L.A. City Council who fuel the flames further yesterday by voting 13 to 1 to boycott Arizona for taking the initiative to protect its borders from intruders.

 

Ironies abound.  California has immigration laws similar to Arizona’s but Reyes couldn’t be bothered with this detail.  Mainly because he didn’t know it.  Another irony is John and Don’s company, “AriZona Tea,” is feeling the pinch even though they’re based in New York.  Of course, rampaging boycotters couldn’t be bothered with that detail either – anything perceived as Arizonian was fair game.

 

One of America’s awe-inspiring natural wonders, the Grand Canyon, lies on U.S. Government lands.  Vacationers from all around the world converge to gape at its chasm of desert beauty, and tourism revenues flow into the U.S. Treasury to help fund a largesse of give-aways, not the least of which are MRE's and tushy-wipes for illegals.

 

A boycott of Grand Canyon could pinch those funds, too.  That what y’want, Ed?

 

One thing more awesome than the gaping chasm of the Grand Canyon is the gaping chasm between Ed Reyes' ears.  Now that's a tourist attraction I'd love to see, but I'd hafta boycott it.  After all, Ed, turnabout’s fair play, so stew in that tripe, ya putz!

 

John and Don – this boycott’s for you.

 

Quiz time today!

 

Fun with words today.

 

First, a little PG-13 rated stuff – answers in search of questions:

 

"Negli-jay”  What do you call an irresponsible blue-bird in a nightgown?

"Negli-gent”  What do you call a careless man of good social position?

"Negli-genital”  What do you call a person with reckless sexual organs?

"Genitorial services”  What?  You can't guess?

 

And next, some agrarian silliness – questions with answers:

 

What are prescription drugs for Old MacDonald?  "Farmerceuticals"

What do you call Old MacDonald's fingernails?  "Farmercuticles"

What's a publication of all the drugs Old MacDonald takes?  "Farmercopeia"

What's an endless supply of Old MacDonald jokes?  "Farmercopia"

 

Rest easy, readers.  The supply of material for today's post is limited.

 

Walk-Don’t Wok: Lost in translation

 

Wang Tzao, an immigrant to Manhattan, never acclimated to "Big Apple" customs.  A turn of events almost landed him in jail.

 

One morning in the middle of crowded Broadway, he fired up his grill to prepare breakfast.  The spicy smell caught the attention of a police officer who rushed to investigate.

 

“Who are you and what’re you doing?” the policeman asked.

 

“Wang wokking,” the Chinaman replied.

 

“Well you’re under arrest, bud, we got laws against that!”

 

Fortunately for Wang, the officer failed to read his Miranda rights.  Next day at the arraignment the judge noted the omission. The case was tossed out and lucky Wang wokked free.

 

Here comes that shrinking feeling again

 

Our real estate agent called to share astonishing news:  An older home we considered buying lost 20% of its land mass.  When we first saw the property, it was listed at 2,450 square feet.  Now it's appraised at 1,950 square feet!

 

500 square feet – poof! – just like that!  Vanished into thin air!  How could this be?

 

Our agent, a patient man, offered several explanations.  Occasionally the original developer misstated the square footage and the discrepancy went unnoticed for years.  Sometimes properties reflected the outside measurements, sometimes the inside.  Sometimes the square footage included ceiling air space where a loft could be built, even though it was never in the plans.

 

But it turns out the real culprit behind Houston’s mysteriously shrinking housing phenomenon is climate change.  That’s right.  The polar ice cap is not the only thing losing ground to global warming.  Bayou City residents themselves are melting right under their own eaves, along with the eaves overhead.

 

Gee.  And all this time we thought it was the humidity.

 

Oil spills and obfuscators

 

While the Gulf Coast shored up its defenses against the Deepwater Horizon catastrophe, President Nancy-pants contaminated the environment last week with his own toxic blow-out:  “…I continue to believe that domestic oil production is an important part of our overall strategy for energy security, but I’ve always said it must be done responsibly…”

 

Well, yes, of course, but the inference is that up until now everything has been done irresponsibly.  BO is a dedicated obfuscator whose mission is weaving fanciful rhetoric to lure audiences into inescapable chambers of irrational belief.  Good job, sir!  You are exactly why our national energy policy runs on empty.   

 

I continue to believe that speaking is an important part of communication, and I've always felt it must be done with the brain engaged and without deceit.  But I've never felt compelled to crack anyone on the skull with anything so obvious.  

 

Maybe it’s time to start cracking a buncha skulls anyway, starting in November 2010.  And concluding with the Bonehead-in-Chief.