Question: How does Hillary Clinton look into a mirror and keep a straight face?
Answer: Hillary's been accused of many shenanigans in her dimpled career, but keeping a straight face is not one of them. Sure, she acts like she has one, in fact struggles greatly to do so, but impersonations are not criminally offensive, per se, just bad ones.
But let's be fair. The nation’s capital is a star-studded revue of buffoons, liars and sociopaths, a non-stop comic strip for laughable characters to perform their acts: sanctimonious gasbags like John Foster Dulles, Ike’s Secretary of State, known as a bull with his own China shop; incurable drunks like House Ways & Means Chairman Wilbur Mills, who made dog-paddling with strippers in public fountains a congressional perk; philanderers with chronically wandering Willies like Senators Gary Hart and John Edwards, and the wildest Willy of all, Bill Clinton; and ethically-adrift vagrants like Harry Reid, Barney Frank and other vandals whose ranks are many, their misdeeds more. Washington DC attracts detritus like ponds attract scum. It's the way it is.
Yet these are new times, we’re told, Hillary is an exception. Wait! What? Our Hillary who swims with sharks – lawyers whose reputations already suffer – then soils their credentials further by plying her specialty, the manipulation and mutilation of language? Seriously? To Hillary, words are hostages, held in bondage for abuse and degradation, chopped and maimed, starved of context, robbed of meaning, cleansed of purpose, finally drained of natal promise and reformatted to a giddy new arc, ready and eager to help sell musky brews of surrealistic visions. Language as victim of Stockholm Syndrome. Hillary's kind of humor.
Which brings us to integrity, a prerequisite for a straight face. Hillary doesn’t keep a straight face since she's rented it to the highest bidder, so integrity isn't in her make-up kit. If she ever dons the mask of a straight answer, we’ll see it when she’s pleading the fifth. She won’t need integrity for that, though, just the appearance of a straight face, which she can rent from a costume shop just for the occasion.